Greetings, socially inept populace of the Internet and welcome to another installment of NN@0400, this time at a place that doesn’t reek of teen angst and pure wretched self-obsession in the form of pre-rendered CSS hacks and other garbage. While the readership may be low at the moment ( a few web bots and a couple of personal referrals at the time this went to press), all hope is not lost. There’s always tomorrow.
Now for the headlines:
Level three hurricane hits newly founded colony of Downtown-n-Riverside, deaths in the single digits. While the origins of this hurricane are unknown at this time, the damage left behind is readily apparent. Although a more thorough investigation is planned for the near future, initial reactions from the inhabitants of this recently settled area tend to lean towards a potential increase in overall pollen count as the possible cause of this disaster. Casualties were limited and are believed to be mostly transients and what are believed to be dissidents who regularly protest the presence and activities of the giant population. As with all major stories, Nuisance News will keep you updated on this situation as new information becomes readily available.
First major city established. Boxabrix, with a current population of roughly 300,000 known citizens, is the first major settlement since the colonization of this area but one month ago. Though it is still a rough and relatively untamed area, order and full control by the Polizia is expected to be fully operation within the month, even as rumors of a complete citywide relocation spread wide among the populace.
Murder in the Great Plains shocks few. An uneasy truce between the Movingtransport Corporation and the native ground-dwelling inhabitants of this region was reached just moments ago after the tragic loss of a valued member of the Dakrat tribe, the responsibility for which differs depending on who one asks. Like all matters of this nature and severity, the House of Internal Matters (HIM) will be conducting a full investigation and is expected to make a final judgement in the upcoming week. When an inquiry for further details was made to HIM, the spokesperson whom we contacted declined to comment due to possible pending legal action by the Dakrat tribe.
Services for the fallen Dakrat member are expected to be held within the next few days, the specifics of which were witheld from our reporters by Dakrat officials. Our calls to their local morgue turned up interesting results, as the technician who answered knew nothing about the incoming of one particular “Eekeek Skeepfft” nor had any mentions of such an individual be made in the last 12 hours. It is this reporter’s professional opinion that the cause behind this mysterious cadaver disappearance is due to its rumored use in a secret ceremony in order to appease their highly mobile, chain-smoking and utterly merciless deities in an effort to reduce the number fatalities suffered by local tribes while in the process of commuting from the main burrow to that of the latrine fields, which often require trips across the black stoneless roads of sorrow.
That’s all we have for tonight, so until next time, remember: when a can of Spam reaches its expiration, it is best to throw it away, as no amount of repetitions of the Spamquiem will aid in the extension of the spoilage.
